Journaling?

A suggestion

Photo by Jeffrey Betts on Unsplash

I’ve been wondering lately about how to keep writing from feeling like a crisis every time I sat down in front of the computer. I have always enjoyed writing, no matter what the stakes are, because I was always confident in my abilities.

No matter what was going on around me, writing was a refuge. It kept my mind busy in a way that required almost no effort. Just sit down and scribble down whatever I want OR take joy in the process of doing it right—research, drafting, revising, polishing.

But over the years, I saw how powerful writing done well actually could be. And so the urge to do it well became greater—and with that, the anxiety of what could happen if it wasn’t done perfectly.

Because God forbid it not be done perfectly the first time.

I noticed this tendency first during my freelance journalist career. I was often writing to deadline, and any editing that needed doing felt like a rebuke—and on tight deadlines, a disaster.

So I tightened down on grammar. AP Stylebook was my constant companion until I could recite the most common rules by heart. I chopped up sentences, made sure the paragraphs allowed for any cuts needed for space without losing clarity (back in the olden days when news was still printed on newsprint), and worked to exactly match the word count requirement (I could never train my brain to think in column inches, though).

The requests for further editing decreased dramatically. But my anxiety about each assignment increased exponentially—until deadline work became impossible.

When I switched my emphasis to creative writing, that felt more freeing—what I wrote was mine, and I could write what I wanted, right?

Until I wanted to get it published. Rejection letters became verdicts on my worth.

I found that deadline pressure and editors’ expectations were nothing compared to self-imposed deadlines and my own feelings and expectations around my writing.

So now I go in cycles. Sometimes I can keep it all in perspective. And sometimes, like now, I can’t.

So a friend of mine today suggested journaling as an outlet. I was annoyed—I’ve been writing out my feelings all my life. In notebooks, in diaries, in password-protected documents on my computer, on blogs. And now in documents that I erase as soon as the steam runs out so I don’t go back, re-read, edit, and polish them, re-traumatizing myself all over again.

I said as much.

She said no typing—writing it out, on paper, in longhand.

Then once I was done, tear the paper out of the notebook and set it on fire.

I said, “How?”

She said she used a lighter, burning the paper in her cast-iron skillet, then putting the ashes in the garbage.

Hmmm.

No re-reading, no editing, no more trauma? Just release?

I’ve always held on to every word I write. I’ve never even deleted rough drafts out of my hard drives. But I’m wondering if she’s on to something here.

Thoughts? Drop them into the comments.